Listen to me reading my Diana Poole short story, “The Talking Dead”.
This will be a brief column because I’ve been fighting the flu or the flu has been fighting me. We are at a draw right now. For the last few of days I‘ve been stuck in TV land. If Freud were alive today and could ask his famous question, “What do women want?” I could tell him. They want a pink Hoodie Footie.
For those of you not in the know, a Hoodie Footie is a one-piece garment with feet in it and a hood (the feet are on one end, the hood on the other) and it zips up the front. It’s akin to something an infant would wear. These same women who love Hoodie Footies adore Vermont Teddy Bears, who also happen to wear Hoodie Footies. And these little bears are desired even more when given by a man. It’s important to note that the man should not be wearing a Hoodie Footie when giving this gift because that would be a big turn off.
Now there are a few more things that women want such as a diamond from Kay’s Jewelry Store. It wasn’t clear to me in my sneezing, coughing state if they also wanted one for their Teddy bear. Women also want to eat a lot and lose weight a lot. Now I could identify with that. But when they brought out the Ab Cruncher, which made a loud click every time you crunched, I drew the line and blew my nose. That thing would drive me right up the wall, which might be a better exercise for my abs. Where are my abs? Can you feel them?
For those of you who want to take the easy way out (and who doesn’t?) there is a pill that will shrink your stomach because as we all know if we eat more our stomachs expand and they shrink if we eat less. It may really work because this thin woman looked straight at me and said, “It’s only for people who are serious about losing weight.” However in the following hour a “real” doctor told me with professional earnestness to forget the pill. He wanted women to eat his energy bar and drink one glass of water before they have dinner and they will lose weight. See, the bar and the water fill you up causing your brain to think you’ve already eaten that filet mignon, garlic mashed potatoes, and chocolate cake sitting in front of you. As I sat propped up by pillows and sucking on a cough drop (ten calories) l decided that we women could save our money and just wear Hoodie Footies for the rest of our lives and no one would know if we were fat or thin.
I also discovered in my sickened state that women are not happy with their hair. In fact women are not happy. Period. Except for the Hoodie Footie women, and they could just be faking it. In TV land women must go through many transformations in search of happiness. They must change their hair color, their diet, their living rooms, their dried-up faces, and their men. I only saw two women on TV who were happy. Sarah Jessica Parker was very happy with her hair. And Julia Roberts was ecstatic, if not a little smug, over her Revlon make-up. Personally I don’t think they’re that happy over the products they’re using. I think it’s the multi-million dollar contracts they signed to do these commercials. But don’t tell this to the poor Hoodie Footie actress. She was lucky to get two hundred bucks and lunch.